Apologies in advance for the street language. I’ve tried to keep it family-friendly-ish… but only-ish.
Celebrities — who all seem to be alphabetised these days — play a surprisingly large role in the yoga teacher’s CV.
The closer your celebrity student is to the letter A, the more money you’re likely to earn. That’s just the unspoken rule of the yoga-industrial complex.
Back in the day I was occasionally referred to as “Yoga Teacher to the Stars.”
Now before you imagine red carpets and paparazzi, I should clarify that this title appeared in the Manchester Evening News. And in Manchester the definition of a “star” is usually someone who’s appeared in Coronation Street or the now dearly departed Brookside.
Lovely people, no doubt. But we’re probably talking C-list… maybe D-list on a good day.
Still, television is television, and if you’re on the telly you get bumped up the celebrity ladder automatically.
So when you get a phone call from Ozzy Osbourne’s PA asking if you can teach yoga to The Prince of Darkness himself, one of two things is happening:
- It’s my daft mate Mark winding me up again. He still believes that one day I’ll ditch yoga, meet him in a nightclub and go on a nostalgic chemical adventure like it’s 1998.
- Or — and this is the exciting option — after years of teaching soap actors and regional TV personalities, I’ve finally been invited to dine at the top table of celebrity yoga clients.
Because Ozzy isn’t just A-list.
Ozzy is AA-list.
(And yes, there’s definitely a terrible dad joke hiding somewhere in that.)
A Slight Detour (Hunter S. Thompson in a Tracksuit)
Before we continue, a small diversion — because my writing style tends to wander around like a dog that’s spotted six squirrels at once.
Many years ago I sent a piece of writing to a friend in the US. Let’s call him Chandler. Actually that is his real name. I mean honestly — who invents the name Chandler?
Anyway, he wrote back saying:
“If I were your publisher I’d market you as Hunter S. Thompson in a tracksuit.”
Now I love Hunter S. Thompson. I’ve read most of his books. There’s even a weird coincidence that he died on 20 February, which also happens to be my birthday.
His most famous book, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, was turned into a film starring Johnny Depp.
Great book.
Slightly chaotic film.
My own writing, on the other hand, bears absolutely no resemblance to Hunter’s sharp, erudite prose.
And yes — I did have to look up the word erudite.
The ADHD Interlude
Another small diversion.
A few years ago I was diagnosed with Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.
When I cautiously told a few friends about this diagnosis, every single one of them said something along the lines of:
“Oh… I thought you already knew.”
Absolute bunch of bar stewards.
Apparently everyone had noticed my inability to finish a sentence, close the fridge door, or stay focused on a single task for more than thirty seconds.
Except me.
Which might explain why this story has wandered a long way from the original subject.
So let’s get back to it.
Russell Brand: My First A-Lister
Before the Ozzy story, there was my first proper celebrity client:
Russell Brand.
I taught Russell every day for a week in a posh Manchester hotel.
The routine was simple:
Turn up.
Put him through his Ashtanga Primary Series.
Leave before he started doing stand-up comedy.
At the time Russell had apparently swapped certain recreational substances for saluting the sun via Ashtanga Yoga.
A mate of mine once described Ashtanga as:
“A yoga practice designed specifically for obsessive Westerners.”
Which made me laugh.
Because… fair enough.
After teaching Russell for a week I immediately added to my CV in enormous capital letters:
RUSSELL BRAND’S YOGA TEACHER
Did it matter that I’d only taught him a handful of times?
Absolutely not.
In my mind we were now lifelong friends and I was his personal yoga guru.
A Quick Update on Russell
Since then, Russell Brand’s public life has taken a rather complicated turn.
In 2023, several women made allegations of sexual assault and rape against him following a joint investigation by media outlets. In 2025, UK prosecutors authorised criminal charges relating to alleged incidents involving several women between 1999 and 2005.
Brand has denied all allegations and pleaded not guilty, and the case is currently progressing through the courts.
So, safe to say his public image has changed somewhat since the days when I was proudly name-dropping him in my yoga CV.
Enter Ozzy
Fast forward a few years.
I’d moved from the rain-soaked pavements of Manchester to the palm-tree-lined streets of Los Angeles.
One afternoon my phone rang.
Unknown number.
“Hi Matt, it’s Tom.”
Now I had no idea who Tom was, but I replied enthusiastically:
“Tom! Great to hear from you mate!”
Tom explained he was now working for Ozzy Osbourne.
And Ozzy wanted yoga lessons.
I nearly dropped the phone.
The Hollywood Hills Dream
Tom invited me to teach Ozzy at his house in the Hollywood Hills.
Apparently Ozzy had recently tried goat yoga.
Now normally if someone asked me to teach goat yoga I would politely suggest they go and have a lie down and rethink their life choices.
But this was Ozzy.
And they were offering $500 per lesson.
For that kind of money I was prepared to show up wearing a goat costume if necessary.
The NDA
Before teaching Ozzy I had to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement.
Meaning I was legally forbidden from telling anyone about the lesson.
Naturally, the first thing I did after hanging up the phone was create a WhatsApp group called:
“Bat Eater Teacher.”
Every single friend and family member I had was added.
So much for confidentiality.
The Lesson That Never Happened
The lesson was scheduled for a Thursday.
Wednesday afternoon I received a text.
“Ozzy has a meeting with Sharon tomorrow. Can we reschedule?”
Of course.
The following week…
“Ozzy has an ingrown toenail.”
Then another week…
“Ozzy is having a minor operation.”
Then another week…
“Ozzy is travelling.”
Eventually the messages simply stopped.
And just like that, my glorious career as Ozzy Osbourne’s yoga teacher never actually began.
The Silver Lining
For a brief moment I’d imagined writing an autobiography titled:
“My Year Teaching Ozzy Osbourne Yoga.”
I’d even started planning a lecture tour.
An Evening With Ozzy’s Yoga Teacher.
Sadly that dream never materialised.
But then I realised something.
Surely there’s a market for the story of the man who almost taught Ozzy Osbourne yoga.
And that, my friends…
…is you !
